I’ve been meaning to post on the awkwardness that is social kissing for ages but never quite got round to it. I’m a hopeless social kisser. Firstly, I don’t really want to kiss people I don’t know but when you turn up at an event and you’re yanked in for the kill, there really isn’t any choice in the matter. I can even feel myself cringeing which is hideously embarrassing for the person who has dived in to find themselves embracing a pillar of stone making ‘bleugh’ faces. I’ve tried shoving my hand out in ‘shake’ mode and ended up with it crushed to my body in while I’m enveloped.. eek. I’ve tried saying, ‘I’m not really a kisser’ but that seems to generate such discussion that I’ve given up.

The intricacies of social kissing evade me completely… I hung on yesterday for so long with my cheek proffered that someone ended up kissing me twice – after a pause in between – because they didn’t know what else to do. Someone else kissed my hair, got a few strands caught in their teeth and yanked them out of my head as they pulled away. It was mortifying. I rarely, if ever, kiss my family (I kiss my kids.. I’m not that bad!) but never out of choice so why would I want to peck at strangers? Hugs I can do. A bit. I don’t want someone else’s lipstick all over my face any more than they want mine. I don’t want their cold, fever, or cough either. In essence, I just don’t want to body brush with people randomly for no good reason.Β 

Worse still, I find myself judging others on their kiss.. if it’s a bit wet for example it is all I can do not to gag and immediately consider the kisser a liability. Equally, if it is a bit gentle I assume the kisser has a weak handshake and therefore no spine. If it is too firm a plant that says to me ‘back off, bruiser’. Really, although everyone takes the mickey out of an air-kiss, that is far preferable than actually going body to body.

I’m better at a distance, honest.Β 

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