Should we stop telling our children they are beautiful? Women’s minister, Jo Swinson, thinks so. At first I didn’t agree, then about a nano second later, I did. Now, I’m just unsure.
First up, telling someone they are beautiful is the ultimate compliment in our image obsessed society. But, I’m not sure that very young children have any clue of its wider implications. It’s only as children get older that they have any comprehension of how they look and their impact on the world. Being a beautiful person can mean on the inside as well as the outside and I’d hate to even have to think twice about paying that compliment. Jo Swinson’s rationale is that parents are sending the message that looks are the most important thing needed for success.
So, maybe we need to be more careful about how we call people and our children beautiful? Maybe she has a point that obsession with how you – and others – look is unhealthy. On the one hand, it is important to be well presented (and beauty has nothing to do with that – that’s about good grooming), but on the other, it’s a very harsh world if people are excluded from jobs or social groups because of how they look.
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Being beautiful in looks isn’t the core of who a person is and actually it shouldn’t matter, so why as parents, do we dish out beauty as such a ready compliment?
The beauty industry is very good at knocking us down to build us back up again – I can think of many campaigns that have us too fat, too lumpy, too spotty – too anything really – but as luck would have it, they can save us! All we have to do is buy the product. And kids see this stuff too. We have a generation of children growing up thinking you need a specific deodorant to spare you from unsightly armpits, for example. They know what cellulite is; they think ageing is an enemy (they also think they’ll never be that age!) rather than natural and they think if they can have the same lip gloss as a celebrity, somehow a little bit of that celebrity beauty will rub off on them. The beauty industry has a part to play in building self-esteem from the ground up; young men and women don’t need to be constantly bashed with imagery of the ‘beautiful’ and Jo Swinson’s statistics that one in four children aged 10 to 15 is unhappy with the way they look is quite shocking. At ten, you don’t like how you look? Is being called beautiful by your mum going to change the way you feel? Probably you’d rather be called beautiful by a peer to make it stick and that’s a whole world of pain because your peers are far less likely to do so than your mum!
I’ve yet to meet the child who doesn’t like to be complimented or encouraged. But now I think about it, that’s exactly what they want – support and encouragement – everyone thrives on praise, but does it need to involve how they look? Not really.
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18 comments
I tell my daughters all the time they are beautiful and I don’t plan to stop it any time soon. As a child who grew up never being told that and who seriously has issues with self image, I’m going to make sure mine don’t grow the same way (the best I can anyway!). I believe that it takes more than just that to achieve what whatserface is on about. magazines, billboards, mums who think Amy Childs and Katie Price are the epitome of glamour and beauty, parents who buy their kids tshirts that say things like Wag in training. Telling your kids they are beautiful on its own is important and affects the way a child grows up viewing themselves in the same way that a child who grows up being called ugly, will grow up believing themselves to be so. Instilling the belief that a child is beautiful, is more than saying, well you are just pretty and thats the most important thing, it’s actually building blocks for good self esteem when you are older. So long as it’s balanced. So long as it’s complimented by lots of other positive messages that are not to do with the exterior beauty.
I know what Jo Swinson is getting at, but she’s looking at it in a black and white way when there are many more grey areas in this subject. Not telling your kids they are beautiful is really rather abhorrent IMHO.
I totally agree! I think she’s seeing it all black and white too. I’m definitely going to tell my kids that they are beautiful. Take the next example: what if you’ve never told them that they are beautiful and someone at school tells them that they’re ugly? They are most likely going to believe it if even the kid’s own parents didn’t tell him or her that he/she’s beautiful. We all know that inner beautiful and being friendly to people is what makes you truely beautiful, but we’re living in a harsh world and I feel like beautiful people get more chances in live. They are most likely to be accepted when they apply for a job. It’s a very provoking post, I like it haha! It makes room for discussion and that leads to wisdom!
Anyway, I think beauty is also subjective. Someone is beautiful to my sister but not beautiful to me (when it comes to superficial beauty). I think it’s important to teach your kids that looking good isn’t the only thing that matters – it’s about the character too and how you behave towards other people.
I could keep writing! This post is definitely food for thought 🙂
Great post!
X Valérie
scribblesofvalerie.com
I totally agree with you. I’m not planning to have children but if I’m ever going to have any I’m going to tell them they are beautiful, don’t exaggerate but definitely let them know that. My parents never did this and yeah, I turned out to focus more on education and knowledge but what’s the use of that if I have a decade of college education and I’m completely nonfunctional in social circumstances due to the fact that I was always told how fat and unkempt I was. Now I realize I was a completely normal child but my model obsessed mother always thought i was too fat and therefore ugly. My mother even went as far as telling their friend doctors to tell me I’m fat and I’m sick because of it just to make me diet. So I started dieting at 9 and now after years of dieting I’m left a complete mess inside and outside.
But I didn’t grow in the US and here “tough love” is much more important and this is proof that it doesn’t really work well: a generation of failures.
Perhaps telling your children they are beautiful will transform them into superficial assholes during adulthood, but superficial assholes are much more functional in society, probably much happier too, and I will take that any day over my full closet of doubt and uncertainty. Of course, balance is much more important but when it comes to choosing, telling them they are beautiful is a much better option.
She does have a point, by exaggerating we are filling the world with narcissistic people, but it doesn’t have to get that way. I hate it when people see this as black and white too. A self confident person is not a narcissistic one, but a person who can take criticism and neither of her options would be good at that.
Fantastic piece of thought provoking writing. I don’t have any children yet but it certainly made me think of how I view my self after my mum has always instilled a “your beautiful” attitude in me.
Great post – definitely brings up some interesting issues!
I’m 24 now and can’t recall a time when my parents told me I’m pretty or beautiful. I think this has seriously affected my self-esteem – even now I find it difficult to believe my boyfriend when he tells me I’m beautiful. In my mind, if my parents don’t think I am, how can anyone else?
If I have children I will definitely tell them they are beautiful. I don’t think this is encouraging the idea that looks are the most important thing in life or that they are key to success. As long as a focus isn’t placed on looks over making an effort at school, extra-curriculars or relationships it’s perfectly fine in my opinion. A balance is the key.
I agree with the other ladies that Ms Swinson’s take on the situation is far too simplistic. She’s simply going from one extreme (over-emphasizing physical beauty) to the other extreme (denying its existence). Neither tack is in the best interest of the child’s development of healthy self-esteem. Heaping shallow and unwarranted compliments on a child does nothing to bolster the child’s sense of worthiness (they’ll get their reality check from their peers soon enough), but then neither does stubbornly refusing to acknowledge any of that child’s attributes; including physical beauty. As one reader pointed out, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and many things contribute to that impression of beauty; things like intelligence, humor, wisdom, generosity, compassion, “heart”, etc. all contribute to that person looking more beautiful in our eyes.
I think the real issue is when little girls are ONLY told they’re beautiful or pretty. If a well-timed compliment about looks is balanced with other compliments about achievements then the child is more likely to feel better about themselves and be more rounded than a child constantly told their beautiful who could grow up to think that’s the only way to achieve compliments and success.
I don’t have children at the moment but when I do I’ll be very watchful of relatives who coo over little girls and constantly tell them they’re pretty princesses and so beautiful. They’re not tiny models!
I think it’s not just about whether your parents call you beautiful though but also about their own level of self esteem. My mum has and still does constantly complain about her weight, comfort eats non-stop and has a very unhealthy attitude towards her body. I’ve managed to avoid a lot of this by being a strong person in my own right and having time a long distance from her whilst at uni. However, it could easily have seriously damaged my relationship with my body and I definitely hated myself when I was younger.
So I think children need to be praised for everything they do well as well as parents moderating their behaviour to make sure their kids grow up knowing a healthy attitude. Frankly I think we all need to tell ourselves we are beautiful every single day as well as being complimented.
I think being complimented as a child can go either way. My sister and I are totally different and as kids, because she was cute as a button, she was told so. As a small child and teenager she was told she was beautiful too. At the same time, as the eldest and having a bit of a wonky nose, I wasn’t told that. In fact one day when my sister and I were playing with makeup she was told she was “as beautiful as a princess” whereas I was given a face wipe and told to take it off. Emphasis, for me, was placed on books and school. I don’t think my parents realised what they were doing but we grew up into two completely different human beings. I enjoy beauty and take compliments as they come when I receive them – I don’t have to be told that I look good to know I’m nicely put together and look good. I blog about beauty and like to make an effort but I don’t feel like I “have” to wear a full face every day. My sister on the other hand used to need the compliments and fished for them regularly. Now she’s a mother herself she told me the other day that although she wants her daughter to know she’s beautiful she won’t be putting the emphasis on beauty that our parents put on her. She wants her daughter to realise a balance and have a confident self esteem when it comes to everything – beauty, education, weight, relationships etc. Ultimately I don’t think encouragement is a bad thing in any subject and every child should be taught there is beauty to look at and beauty of the mind too. If I ever have my own daughter I’ll tell her she’s beautiful.
I don’t thing it’s bad to tell children that they are beautiful, in fact all parents should frequently tell their children that they are beautiful, but I do think that the mentality of telling children over and over again now brilliant they are without ever admonishing them is creating a generation of truly confused young adults. There should be balance in everything and someone learning at in their 20’s that they are not the best little girl/boy in the world, in everyone’s eyes, leads to a lot of very confused young people, with an extremely overpowering sense of entitlement. .
I don’t recall my parents ever telling me I’m beautiful, but it hasn’t really affected my self esteem, because I was complimented on my intelligence, my personality, my temperament, my character. I was brought up with my father at home, and my mother at work, and they both taught me that I could do anything. I didn’t need to be told I was pretty or beautiful to achieve that.
The only thing that has ever affected my self esteem is the horrific acne I suffered for about 4 years.
I can see where Jo Swinson is coming from – she is perhaps not getting the message quite right, but I do agree with her on the obsession with beauty. With issues like this, I always follow Caitlin Moran’s advice and ask myself if the same question/compliment etc could be applied to boys/men, If the answer is yes, then it is ok. If the answer is no, then there is something that needs to be changed.
I really enjoyed this blog, thank you, very interesting reading. I think it’s important to remember beauty is about being beautiful on the outside and inside.
DD said “I’m pretty” after I told her that her outfit is pretty. I told her immediately that “yes, you are pretty but being smart and hard working is more important.” I don’t think she quite understands, since she’s only a toddler.
I think that for young people, being told they are beautiful when young can build some sort of cushion against all the hard words they will hear later on – especially for girls who will start to hear very soon from the media how they are too thin/fat/ugly/too tanned/not tanned enough etc. So yes, let them hear it again and again that they are pretty, for they might then resist all the derogatory comments later on.
Let the beauty of who we are be present in all that we do. My heart felt full when I read this wonderful post and the heartfelt replies. I work in the beauty industry with a philosophy of nurturing our whole beauty in a holistic, natural way. As a child of religious parents, looks were considered unimportant and I grew up feeling ugly. I always tell my children they are beautiful, and like all these responses above, I mean beautiful inside and outside. I don’t really talk about image unless it is to do with being clean and well dressed when convention requires it. Jo Swinson was making a point about image, I imagine, not about beauty. Its good to get people thinking about what messages we give to our children but I agree, we must tell our children they are beautiful. So they, and ourselves, can do as Fleur suggests and tell ourselves we are beautiful. And that is what I bring to my holistic beauty treatments; supporting individual beauty inside and out.
If being told you are beautiful makes you feel good about yourself then what you look like doesn’t really matter as long as YOU feel GOOD about YOURSELF.
When growing up if I ever got any positive comments they were quickly taken away by my mother for fear of getting a big head. Charming. Parents should absoultely instill positive vibes including telling children they are beautiful. All children are beautiful, why not tell them.
I tell my daughter she’s beautiful AND clever. That is all!
Looks shouldn’t matter in the development of a child. It can actually harm them to be aware of it. It can form bragging, conceitedness and other less than virtuous thoughts and behaviors. Focus on non-appearance aspects such as “You did really well on that project – at that sport – helping that other person… etc. I’m proud of you!”